Tag Archive: McDonald’s





I have a love/hate relationship with the McD’s.  As in, I think I love it but actually I hate the place.  I walk away regretting it every time. 

But then I soon pine for the taste of charred beef and lettuce marinaded in Hellman’s Lite.

McDonald’s.  So it’s been a while and the whole place has changed.  It’s fancy and new-looking.  The walls look like one of those school classrooms where the kids were allowed to decorate.  Nauseous splashes of colour.  There are no real tables now, only long breakfast bars plastered with old shit like the table at Herot after Grendel had a go. 

It’s still got that horrible supermarket cafeteria feel with everybody elbowing each other out the way with little pots of Heinz tumbling off their trays.  On quiet days I don’t mind these places so much.  Desperate animals always seek out a place where they can fester in dirt, anonymously.

I was shocked at the number of prams that were in there.  At one point my path to the counters was blocked by no less than five prams.  Did I miss a Mothercare newsletter?  The one with the Happy Meal vouchers in it?  What, new mums think it’s a good idea to take their babies – not kids, babies – for lunch at McDonald’s?  Stuffing those fries into their gaping toothless mouths as a pacifier substitute?

Be quiet and eat your McNuggets, Courtney-Lou.

But the checkouts.  No longer the undisciplined lines of people undecided on which queue looks quicker!  There’s a new Express Line.

Oh yes.  Fuckers are organised now.

Because apparently there are times when fast food just doesn’t come quick enough.  The people have demanded ultra-fast food.  It’s the fibreoptic broadband of effortless eating.

But I have to say, they’ve really evolved.  They’re with the times.  I ordered at the little free-standing desk, and by the time I’d taken two steps to the counter they already had my ‘meal’ waiting for me.  Shit you not.

The Chicken Legend.  Basically a big herby McNugget in a toasted wholemeal breadroll.  Open wide…! 

Chicken’s meant to be pink.  Right?

Doesn’t matter.  I figured that any salmonella would eventually be killed by the Dead Sea of salt that they served my fries in.  Currently my blood has a higher salt-to-water ratio than the Pacific.  Or a condiments warehouse during a light fog.

I had to LOL at the fries.  Burnt little crispy fingers.  Those little greenish bits.  Yummy.  Wash ’em down with my drink, 1 part Diet Coke, 1 part soda, 2 parts ice.

Why do I do it?  I couldn’t tell you.  It’s kind of an experience.  I spoke to someone recently of the type of food that is really self-flagellation.  Sometimes we think: “this is nasty, but it’ll do me good”.  Sometimes we think “Doesn’t this taste good?  Even though it will kill me?”

I seem to have survived the expected food poisoning. 

But.  Just in case: If I die, you can have my Happy Meal toy collection.



So I thought I’d road-test McDonald’s new summer burger, being the glutten for greasy salty fast-food that I am and probably always will be.

As expected, the Summer BBQ Burger was a flat, cardboardy lump of slop.

Almost feel guilty about lovin’ it.

Japanese McDonald's ad

Served in a pristine, sharp-edged card container.  Pop that baby open.  Flaccid streaks of browning lettuce hanging over one side of the bun.  Spilled cheese having congealed against one side.  Smell of hot something


Do what most do and pile the cooling tasteless fries into the other side of the open box, right next to the burger.  Easy access.  Slurp of soda-diluted diet coke to prepare the palate for the dessicating onslaught of over-salty potato product.

McDonald’s use worm meat as filler in their patties, because it’s cheaper – and actually more nutritious – than beef. 

True story.

I wonder why the burger joints are slow on the uptake when it comes to fries.  Kentucky Fried Chicken did away with salty fries, for the benefit of their customers (or their image).  They’re nice enough without.  And you can still get free sachets of salt from the counter, or the big ol’ troughs where they sling in their plastic sporks, straws and napkins. 

Probably they even save money by not salting their fries.

Although … thinking about it … there is the risk of having students grabbing handfuls of packets and stowing away with them, back to whatever stacked-plate under-stocked ant-infested kitchen hovel they go to whenever they want to microwave something.

KFC don’t make their food from chickens.  They breed chicken-like mutants, genetically modified to be fat, boneless, featherless, limbless, eyeless, beakless ready-made-to-eat living products.  Occasionally a talon grows internally however and ends up in a 14-piece bucket somewhere in Ohio. 

True story.

My fries, with BBQ sauce.  It comes from taps, now.  There’s probably a reservoir of the stuff underground, some enormous vat of glutinous brown paste prevented from coagulating by a colossal, slow-turning turbine.  You push the lever on the tap and it dribbles out like turd.  You cannot help thinking this as it fills the tiny cardboard cup you’re supplied with in an ice-cream spiral. 

If you’re gonna spew … spew into this.

Can you blame us for returning?  Personally I’m not a fan of the Maccy D’s.  I’m a Burger King man. 

XL Bacon Double Cheeseburger meal, please. 

Grammatically it doesn’t really make sense.  Surely it’s double bacon and cheesebuger?  Or does that imply a double portion of the frazzled bacon-like substance that is usually melted into the Kraft cheese slice they slap on there? 

A meal.  Large.  With proper Coke.  “Fat Coke”.

Oh, we love the Coke.  There’s a Facebook group.

But then, there’s a Facebook group for everything nowadays.

Of course, you don’t get Coke at Burger King.  It’s all Pepsi in that place.

——“I’d like a Coke, please”

——“Is Pepsi okay?”

——“Is Monopoly money okay”?

I'll have the Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Burger, please

I had to laugh when a Burger King trailer got taken off the telly this week.  It’s fraud!  That’s a fraudulent advertisement!  MISLEADING!  THEY MADE IT SEEM BIGGER AND TASTIER THAN IT REALLY IS!

Seriously, you go to BK and expect a rich, filling, tasty, substantial meal?  Really?

What’s wrong with this picture?

Oh yeah, that’s it … you’re a dumbass.

So that they can claim to use 100% beef in their products, Burger King use cow eyes as well as horn, hoof and tail.  This is more cost effective than using just meat. 

True story.

I did hear that Gordon Whatshisface, that facile TV chef with Tourette’s, absolutely loves the BK.  He drives around in his shiny black car, leans out of the back seat, orders himself a Whopper.  It was in some magazine and last year the Sheffield City Centre outlet (now closed, probably for health reasons) had it copied multiple times and put into placemats, and left on the counters

They’re proud that a TV chef is a lazy, greedy, scum-guzzler like the rest of us.  Self-destructive addicts that we are.  It’s almost like they’re admitting they make shit food. 

“This guy makes good food!  And he eats our food! ”  It’s a noteworthy story because there’s a contrast.  Did this miss this point?  Did it fly by in a flurry of mutant chicken feathers?

Fair enough, I suppose – it can’t be that bad for you.

Plus, didn’t the first thing Tony Stark do upon escaping Afghanistan was get himself a good ol’ American beef burger — from Burger King? 

Fuck it, if it’s good enough for Iron Man, it’s good enough for me.

True story!

— db