So I thought I’d road-test McDonald’s new summer burger, being the glutten for greasy salty fast-food that I am and probably always will be.

As expected, the Summer BBQ Burger was a flat, cardboardy lump of slop.

Almost feel guilty about lovin’ it.

Japanese McDonald's ad

Served in a pristine, sharp-edged card container.  Pop that baby open.  Flaccid streaks of browning lettuce hanging over one side of the bun.  Spilled cheese having congealed against one side.  Smell of hot something

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Do what most do and pile the cooling tasteless fries into the other side of the open box, right next to the burger.  Easy access.  Slurp of soda-diluted diet coke to prepare the palate for the dessicating onslaught of over-salty potato product.

McDonald’s use worm meat as filler in their patties, because it’s cheaper – and actually more nutritious – than beef. 

True story.

I wonder why the burger joints are slow on the uptake when it comes to fries.  Kentucky Fried Chicken did away with salty fries, for the benefit of their customers (or their image).  They’re nice enough without.  And you can still get free sachets of salt from the counter, or the big ol’ troughs where they sling in their plastic sporks, straws and napkins. 

Probably they even save money by not salting their fries.

Although … thinking about it … there is the risk of having students grabbing handfuls of packets and stowing away with them, back to whatever stacked-plate under-stocked ant-infested kitchen hovel they go to whenever they want to microwave something.

KFC don’t make their food from chickens.  They breed chicken-like mutants, genetically modified to be fat, boneless, featherless, limbless, eyeless, beakless ready-made-to-eat living products.  Occasionally a talon grows internally however and ends up in a 14-piece bucket somewhere in Ohio. 

True story.

My fries, with BBQ sauce.  It comes from taps, now.  There’s probably a reservoir of the stuff underground, some enormous vat of glutinous brown paste prevented from coagulating by a colossal, slow-turning turbine.  You push the lever on the tap and it dribbles out like turd.  You cannot help thinking this as it fills the tiny cardboard cup you’re supplied with in an ice-cream spiral. 

If you’re gonna spew … spew into this.

Can you blame us for returning?  Personally I’m not a fan of the Maccy D’s.  I’m a Burger King man. 

XL Bacon Double Cheeseburger meal, please. 

Grammatically it doesn’t really make sense.  Surely it’s double bacon and cheesebuger?  Or does that imply a double portion of the frazzled bacon-like substance that is usually melted into the Kraft cheese slice they slap on there? 

A meal.  Large.  With proper Coke.  “Fat Coke”.

Oh, we love the Coke.  There’s a Facebook group.

But then, there’s a Facebook group for everything nowadays.

Of course, you don’t get Coke at Burger King.  It’s all Pepsi in that place.

——“I’d like a Coke, please”

——“Is Pepsi okay?”

——“Is Monopoly money okay”?

I'll have the Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Burger, please

I had to laugh when a Burger King trailer got taken off the telly this week.  It’s fraud!  That’s a fraudulent advertisement!  MISLEADING!  THEY MADE IT SEEM BIGGER AND TASTIER THAN IT REALLY IS!

Seriously, you go to BK and expect a rich, filling, tasty, substantial meal?  Really?

What’s wrong with this picture?

Oh yeah, that’s it … you’re a dumbass.

So that they can claim to use 100% beef in their products, Burger King use cow eyes as well as horn, hoof and tail.  This is more cost effective than using just meat. 

True story.

I did hear that Gordon Whatshisface, that facile TV chef with Tourette’s, absolutely loves the BK.  He drives around in his shiny black car, leans out of the back seat, orders himself a Whopper.  It was in some magazine and last year the Sheffield City Centre outlet (now closed, probably for health reasons) had it copied multiple times and put into placemats, and left on the counters

They’re proud that a TV chef is a lazy, greedy, scum-guzzler like the rest of us.  Self-destructive addicts that we are.  It’s almost like they’re admitting they make shit food. 

“This guy makes good food!  And he eats our food! ”  It’s a noteworthy story because there’s a contrast.  Did this miss this point?  Did it fly by in a flurry of mutant chicken feathers?

Fair enough, I suppose – it can’t be that bad for you.

Plus, didn’t the first thing Tony Stark do upon escaping Afghanistan was get himself a good ol’ American beef burger — from Burger King? 

Fuck it, if it’s good enough for Iron Man, it’s good enough for me.

True story!

— db

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